I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
