I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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