I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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