a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
