I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
