Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
