The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
