if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
