Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
