True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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