omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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