hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
