So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
