Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
