checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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