Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
