ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
