Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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