At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
