I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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