she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
