I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
