how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there's paper in my vomit.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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