your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
