I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
