Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
