You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
