My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
