Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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