Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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