I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
