I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
