Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
