I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
