He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
