saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
