Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
