I could have mohawked her pubes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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