did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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