I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
