Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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