apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
zippers are such a cool invention
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
