That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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