I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
