well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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