I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
