I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
