there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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