You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
