Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
