he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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